Envelope of Solitude
by Ashia Yifei 07
Summary: Not all marriages result from mutual love.


**Hi! Ok..i've made this out of addiction to a song..i think. I've been listening to this song and that gave me the idea of this story. Please review. Want to know your opinions. Thank you!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Prince of Tennis( how i wish, but never..ouch!)**

**EDITED!**

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" _Why am I always alone? Do I even deserve to live?"_

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I've always been in love with him. And everybody knows that. I, Ryuzaki Sakuno, have never denied that, though there are times I can't just simply speak out what I am feeling.

And I've always admitted that he, Ryoma Echizen, will never be able to return this feelings. He's so engrossed with tennis that I'm in no match with that most precious part of him.

Anyway, I've never expected anything from the start. Basically, I'm just a fan of him. I am always there to support him even if I know he is never there to notice me. I keep on insisting to be at least one of his friends. But then, maybe I'm not the kind of person he would love to be with. Ask me why?

First and foremost, I'm shy, always stuttering when speaking. Yep, who would be happy with that? Of course, Tomoka, because she's my best friend. And she knows me; I really find it easier to be with those I know and of course who as well know me. Speaking of her, I haven't had any latest news about her since her marriage with Horio. That was already two months ago. She could have just sent me letters or I could have. Well, I guess..she's quite busy. Being in a marriage relationship is not easy at all.

I think it would be if you were with the one you have always loved and that you know have always loved you, too. In that way, all kinds of hindrances will be surmounted by your unfathomable affection for each other. They're very lucky to have each other..to know that when you fall, the first one to catch you is the one you love the most. Here I go again, using those kinds of fluffy words. Well, at least words can bring me that happiness and fulfillment I've been longing for. At least for once I can have a grip on my out of reach dream…even in just a jiffy.

Oh..no..it's already five o'clock in the evening, he'll be home in any minute. I've got to cook dinner for us. Cooking has been my passion since high school. And I really love to cook for the ones I love..especially for him. Even if unspoken, I can send them my love and care through the warmth of my hands while preparing the food intended for them. Silly stuffs, I'll quit this daydreaming. It won't do me any good.

To think that I've been married for three months and still no progress. I mean, you know the feeling of solitude, right? When the one you're counting on leaves you behind in every possible way. Then you can do nothing because that is his decision. You cannot even question him or get mad at him. Because from the very start, you haven't had the slightest idea whether he really cares for you or not. Come to think of it, if you lash out at him..and then he would tell you that you're nothing to him at all, what would you do?

This is what I am feeling. Sometimes, I am thinking..if it'd be better if I've just been living alone. Grandmother's death hasn't left my heart yet. The pain of losing the one who understands and loves me the most has been lingering and every touch it does, makes me want to hold on to something or to someone tightly. But there was always no one there for me. Tomoka would have wanted to be with me but I could not help pretending. When grandmother died, she and Horio were already preparing for their marriage. I couldn't just ruin that moment. So I put on my charade. Anyway, I have to live this by myself. It's my own predicament. There's no one who would be willing to share my pain unless I approach them and kneel. My senpais are all gone, too. They already have their families. And I was present in all their weddings. I could still remember how happy they were with their new lives. Even Tezuka-senpai who seemed to hide his emotions before, plastered a wide smile across his face on that day. And Kaidoh-senpai, though kind of irascible sometimes, he was able to put on a genuine smile even though some were already teasing him. Those were the kinds of moments I wished to have but I couldn't. Our wedding wasn't even held at the church.

I would be crying if I were to narrate all those cherished moments. And the more I want to reach my dream, the more I get to feel this grave pain.

As of now, I feel like I want to cry. But I can't. Who would be there to comfort me if I would? The ghost of my grandmother? I wouldn't be scared if that happens..but that's just too impossible. Tomoka would not even hear me cry. We are in such a great distance. My senpais? How could they? I don't even know where they are now.

I'm all alone. Even if he's here living with me, Ryoma never stays for me.

The door clicked open. Oh..no..he's home already and I haven't done anything yet. I haven't even cooked. What am I going to do?

" I'm sorry, I haven't done with the-"

" No problem, I've had my dinner already,"

So, you see, in a day, we could just converse with no more than five lines. Adding to that, no expression nor emotions.

I wonder how could he have eaten? Where could it be? In a restaurant? Oh! Yeah, I remember, he had a match for today though I don't know what match that is. He never mentioned it to me. I just happened to overhear his conversation with his coach on the phone yesterday. I've never met his new coach, too.

And then I asked him about that. Of course, that would be a match! His match! I should always be present. I was planning to go but then his expression turned dour. I can still remember.

" You shouldn't be minding other's business," and then he slammed the door.

That was it. The end of me. The end of my ambition to support him all the way long.

This morning, I woke up at seven in the morning only to find out he was gone already. We don't share the same room. So, we can't check up on each other's schedules.

It's not like he cares though.

I don't have any work right now because he said that I should be staying home unless I would go to the grocery with his permission but not with his presence.

I understand, he is ashamed that I'm here living with him. That's why he's doing everything to keep me here inside this house..to trap me. But that's perfectly fine. All his actions are fine with me as long as I understand why.

In that way, when I can no longer hold back my emotions, I can just remind myself of his reasons that I should understand because..they're from him.

But sometimes, I'm thinking how long this relationship will last. I've been meaning to ask him or to talk about it but then I've been afraid that he would say, "Now".

Funny, how can a relationship end when it doesn't even start?

My stomach grumbled. I better cook for myself. I forgot to say, it is always like this. Whenever he gets home, I would ask him if he already had his dinner. Then, he would simply say yes or sometimes even when I haven't asked yet, he would just tell me to cook for myself. We never share that table in the dining room. I haven't even seen him used that, too.

I cooked and ate to continue my living. I waited for him to come out of his room. I waited patiently for three hours. He did come out. I could just jump. I had to ask him about today's match. Perhaps, he wouldn't be angry. I've already let him play without bringing me, so I must now have the right to know how it was.

At his first sight of me, he was surprised and maybe upset to see me.

But then I managed to throw him a question.

" Ryoma..uhm..how was your match?" I then beamed. I don't even know why I could still smile despite this heavy cloud over me.

" As I said before, it's none of your business," he looked at me straight-faced. His voice cold and stern.

So, he is aiming for a fight. This would be the first. What does he want? I was just asking. Great, I'm suffering from loneliness, and here he is, standing in front of me ready to slap me with those insensitive words of him.

I can't just simply stand here without defending my side. But then, I fee so frail. Of all times, why am I succumbing now? Why am I always being feeble in front of him? Why can't I tell him how I really feel? Why can't I just end this and go away from him?

How stupid of me, asking things like these, when I know the answers from the very beginning. I need companion. I need someone to be there for me when I need him. I need to feel love, care and protection.

Yet, how stupid of me to think that he would be that one. He'll never need me as much I need him. That's one thing I've accepted to learn in our three-month relationship.

" I think it's my right to know," trying to let out a firm voice.

" Why do you think so?"

" Because..because..I'm your wife," that last word…I couldn't even utter it. I know what is next, I know what he is going to say.

" I think..you are confused," he then sat on the sofa near me.

" I better tell you this now, I didn't marry you because I wanted to. I did because that's coach's request before she passed away. At first, I was hesitant but then Oyaji and my mother..all of them..even my senpais…were all insisting me to do it just because they knew you would be lonely without coach. I asked why there is a need for us to be married. Some said because you needed companion. I can't understand why your friends don't just stay with you. Maybe, because they have their own lives, too..but then I think you should know..I also have mine," his gaze, never leaving me. The atmosphere is very intense, dramatic and full of despair.

While he was speaking, I shed tears. I can no longer contain it. I've been restraining to cry for three whole months. I suddenly feel like I want to die..to be with my grandmother. So this is it. I got what I expected. Why does it still make a difference? I've always believed that he never loved me, how come it still hurt me badly to know it directly from him?

" They told me to keep it as a secret," he added.

"Even if you didn't, I know, I overheard your conversation with grandma in the hospital, I'm sorry I should have told her to stop, to take back all that she asked you..but then I couldn't. It wasn't like I only needed companion or someone to comfort me..to lean onto. I'm really sorry..for taking advantage of you. I agreed because I wanted to. Ryoma...i've loved you for 13 years and I thought you would also …... But I never got your attention. So when I heard of that, I..i.." that was it..yes…I knew it all along. I am always prepared to receive pain because of this sin. But I was expecting that he could love me back even a bit. I guess, I just have to believe that this is not a fairytale. This is reality. And dreams are something beyond reality which make them so out of reach.

" Ryoma…you're free now..we both do now..you can now live your life..and I can also..,I'm sorry," I can't look at him – he might be laughing softly at me. What is he thinking of me now? I lift my head, meet his eyes, paint a faint smile, and say my goodbye.

I can't even read his face.

I run out of the house. I run and run and run.

Now, I'm here in this park. I don't know that there is a park here. I must have lost my way home. Tch. Home? What home? I never have one by the way. Now, I'm away from him. No one can see me. No one will hear.

I can cry now..cry out loud.

My tears are flowing and so is the rain. No one would distinguish my teardrops from the raindrops. I can just pour out all the miseries I've been through as the cloud pours out its sympathy for me.

I feel numb. I shiver. I bet this would be the end..the finality. I'm delighted I was able to tell him what I am feeling all this time..that I love him. Yes, even though I'm not denying my love for him, he never knew my feelings until now.

I stand from the bench and look up at the sky, welcoming the rain.

Suddenly I feel warmth enveloping me. I am stunned. How could it possibly be? It's from behind.

Ryoma's here. He's hugging me.

But why? How did he know I'm here?

He's hugging me tight. I don't know if it's right to feel he doesn't want to let go but that's what my heart and mind say.

" Ryoma.." again tears are overflowing. How many times does he have to make me cry? What does he want this time?

" Ryoma…what is it this time? I'm –,"

" Sakuno..i've made a mistake. I've never known your feelings. ..you should've said it before,"

I suddenly don't know how to react. What is he aiming at? What does he want me to say?

" Because it's useless..you would just say we never shared the same feelings.. please let go of me now," my voice is shuddering because of the rain and because of my tears. I don't even know the reason of my tears this time. Yet, I'm sure, it's not because of pain.

Ryoma then let go and made me face him.

" Would you believe if I say, we do?" and then he smiled. My heart is pounding.

" I suppressed it because I thought you don't feel the same way, when coach asked me to marry you, I still agreed hoping that you'll also love me but then I was so depressed when you don't seemed to be bothered at all even with my silent treatments..you've endured them all..you never showed your emotions to me, and so I thought, they're just nothing to you..that I'm just nothing to you," his voice is very soothing.

I lean on him and start wrapping my arms around him. I close my eyes with tears..now I know..these are tears of happiness for reaching my dream.

" How come you love me?" I asked wishing that he's not lying.

" Because you never failed to give me the attention I need, I've seen you always in my matches..you're always there to support me. I was given attention..yes…but that's just simply because of my career..but you..you give me attention because you cared. Yet I never thought..that's love,"

" Thank you,Ryoma for noticing that..so can I stay?" for the first time, I managed to chuckle. It's for real.

He kissed my forehead.

" Of course, from now on..you'll never be alone anymore, I will always be here to love you, care for you, and protect you, and we'll start again," he said as we both stand here….very pleased and contented to be in each other's arms.

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" _I'm just too late to come for you and stay by your side..you'll never be alone. You're existence is my life"_

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**There! Kind of fluffy at the end..i've never experienced this..and I never planned..believe it or not! I'm just trying to feel it for the sake of my stories..well..that's what they call love. oh..sorry for the grammar and misspelled words..i made this in a rush.**

**November 2, 2010: Revised. My...i've got a number of errors there. Oh, incase you ask, Ryoma won the match as usual. i didn't know where to put that so finally I decided not to put it anymore since i think..it won't be that important.**

**May 24,2011- Edited again!**

**NatsuMichi..thanks for the review! Sorry for the grammar, though. :)**


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